Relationships - Blame Or Learn? You Decide

Relationships - Blame Or Learn? You Decide
By Michelle Enis Vasquez

You have heard the expression “It takes two to tango.” It usually refers to the idea that when something goes wrong in relationships, both parties are responsible. Too often when couples are in conflict, they tend to blame each other for their troubles. In doing so, they risk passing up learning something that will help them improve their relationship.

Blaming your spouse when you are in conflict is a normal, natural, knee-jerk reaction. Unfortunately, it is at best unhelpful and at worst destructive to your marriage. Your ego does not want to be wrong, so it protects itself. OK, that makes sense.

But does it help you get closer to your spouse? Probably not. Does it help you resolve the conflict? Definitely not, unless your spouse is the type to apologize instantly. Still, I can guarantee that if your spouse apologizes whether right or wrong, there is bound to be lots of resentment hidden beneath the surface.

What if you decided to do something radically different? What if, instead of automatically blaming your spouse, you looked at how you are contributing to the conflict? “But I am not,” you say. OK, if you are convinced you are totally free of responsibility, stop reading now and keep doing what you are doing.

Oh. You’re still here. Great! Here are some questions I want you to consider that can help you stop (or at least slow down) the blame game:

• What was happening right before we got into conflict?
• Is there a certain time of day in which we tend to get into conflict?
• Is this a pattern?
• Is there something I tend to say that sets off my spouse? (Trigger words, expressions, tone of voice, certain subjects)
• Am I really angry or is some other emotion coming through? (Fear is often expressed through anger)
• How am I contributing to the conflict?
• What might I do differently that could reduce the conflict?
• Am I willing to let this go?

Answer these questions based on a recent or recurrent conflict. You may be surprised at the answers you come up with. Of course, you may also find that you need some extra help. That is where Relationship Coaching comes in handy.

I invite you to get my free report, “Want to Improve your Marriage?
Get Rid of These Seven Deadly Habits” at http://trueloverelationshipcoaching.com. Scroll down on the right hand side and you’ll find it there. Also, check out http://truelovesavemarriage.com.

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